Secure connections
Mulling on friendships again.
Friendship is the solid seed from which every other type of relationship should grow—I’ve been repeating this statement a lot lately. I’ve always agreed with the idea, but in a vague, automatic way—nodding along and thinking “Of course, friendship is a solid foundation.” But now, I truly believe it, and my borderline preachiness is a telling sign of that. It’s much easier to build a secure connection when you start as friends. There’s less pressure, fewer expectations, and a lower chance of detrimental idealization.
I wrote about long-distance friendships some time ago but only recently realized that I was talking about secure connections. I want to credit Jessica Fern for this, as I came across her definition in Polysecure1:
Secure connections are with people or partners who we don’t have daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn’t passed. We are secure in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be immensely meaningful, special and important to us, but it’s not necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular maintenance and attention.
The reason my long-distance friendships work is that they are such connections—low-effort yet timelessly meaningful. I’ve been thinking about the circumstances under which these can be built by putting my own friendships under a microscope. It’s clear that the security was largely established before the friendship turned long-distance. Most of them developed out of regular meetings over a long period (at least two to three years). Sandwiched between these encounters, we worked toward similar goals and supported each other through various problems and endeavors. The present low-effort-ness of these friendships is proof of all the work we’ve put into it in the past.
Many of our secure connections develop when we’re young, at school, or at university—countless articles echo this. Being in the same physical space isn’t the true prerequisite for such connections though; it’s the consistency and regularity that transforms a loose connection into a secure one. The physical space is more like a container or anchor that holds space for the beginning part of this transformation.
I’ve been thinking about this topic again as I’ve been repeatedly hit with the reality that building securely connected friendships as an adult is a different game—especially if you’ve taken a non-corporate, “unconventional,” or entrepreneurial route that has practically removed the physical space anchor for relationship-building from your life. I’ve tried various third places, but honestly, it’s pretty hard to find ones that feel fully aligned. I’ve followed the universal advice of seeking out places based on commonalities, like shared interests or similar work lifestyles (e.g. freelancing), but these didn’t really cut it for me.
The reason is the same as why I don’t believe having common interests is that important when looking for a partner. Interests say something about the individuals, but they reveal nothing about compatibility. What I’m really searching for are shared ways of thinking, mindsets, and values. Interests give us some clues about those, but we tend to overindex on the activity or label instead of focusing on the reason behind the choice—are you a freelancer because you value autonomy or independence? The nuanced difference between such values matters when you’re looking for long-term meaningful connections.
When there’s no external pressure, it takes a certain degree of self-discipline or a strong sense of alignment to consistently show up at these places. I can summon the former only in the presence of the latter. Something people often do, which I haven’t tried yet (perhaps I should?), is to start a community or third place of their own. Becoming part of the anchor would certainly motivate me to get out of the house. But even then, there’s no guarantee that the same people will show up regularly or keep coming back.
The conclusion is that this lack of guarantee is a feature of adult friendships. It’s no reason to stop trying, but also not enough reason to force things. Maybe it’s just about having a few places and communities that align well enough and being happy with the diversified portfolio of third places.